My mom passed away in 2002. In 2005, on the anniversary of her death, I gave up smoking. I needed a reason to seriously quit and I figured a tribute to my mother was the only thing that I wouldn’t back out on. I didn’t. I am almost 9 years smoke free. I remember how angry I was during the process, though. I felt like since I was doing this for Mom, I had to honor her, but I didn’t feel like the motivation was coming from me. Almost like it wasn’t really my decision, my choice. I was so angry.
In 2009, I was pregnant with my first son and found out that I had gestational diabetes. It was a horrible experience. I was put on a strict diet. I even had to time certain foods in certain combinations throughout the day. I was pregnant and hungry and it wasn’t a good combination. I became so angry. I was supposed to be enjoying time with my husband before our first baby arrived and felt so restricted. I wanted to enjoy pregnancy, but had to focus so much on my food intake that everything became miserable. I was so angry.
Those are the only other times that I can remember that I feel the way that I do right now. I’m moving through the Daniel Plan with so much anger. I’m finding jealousy in those enjoying life around me. I’m upset about things that wouldn’t normally bother me. I just feel angry all of the time.
I actually packed candy in my hospital bag for my son’s birth. I couldn’t wait to be free of diabetes. I find myself mentally packing the candy again. I am looking forward to the day that I am “free” of the plan, listing all of the things that I will be able to eat or drink again. Constantly silently planning my celebration of consuming food.
That’s all wrong. That’s not the idea. This should be a process that I want to adopt. This should be an experience of molding and improving. And all I can do is countdown until it’s over.
I have to stop the anger. I consulted my Bible for guidance. I am going for a run with my best friend bright and early tomorrow morning. I’m consciously making an effort to incorporate faith, focus, fitness, and friends. I need to find peace.